It’s so heartbreaking!  Your lonely teenager, with no friends, mopes around all weekend and has nothing to do.  They don’t get invited to hang out, and if they muster up the courage to reach out to someone else, they get the silent treatment back.  If only they had one close friend that they could hang out with. Then, you wouldn’t worry so much about your teenager with no friends. This is hard for your teen, but it’s also hard on you!  To get you through these rough waters, here are 7 ways to help your lonely teenager make friends.

1) Be Your Quirky Self

My students write end of year reflections and one student wrote about a memorable comment that a boy said to her.  Brian said, “That’s what I love about you Liz…you can make a dumb comment sound good.” Brian is sort of a goody two-shoes.  So, I knew he wasn’t being mean to Liz. Thankfully, Liz didn’t take it that way either.

Liz had struggled all year with getting her thoughts straight when she talked in class.  She felt that she sounded jumbled up and stupid to everyone else, but she kept being her quirky self.  I’ve seen so many kids like Liz crawl into a shell, but she was different. She did not retreat.

When Brian said that to her, she felt so proud and accomplished.  Liz never realized the “sound good” part.  She actually was making sense AND it did sound good!  For so long Liz was stuck in the “dumb comment” part.  Not anymore!

It’s very liberating for a 15-year-old to realize that she can be her quirky self and still make a good impression.  I see so many teens change who they are because they are ashamed of their own quirky selves. Liz, on the other hand, figured this out early.

2) Insist on School Involvement

It’s perfectly fine to insist that your teenager get involved somehow, especially if they’re not making friends.  This is not the time to backoff and let them figure it out for themselves. This is the time to encourage (and possibly insist) on school participation.  If they’re not interested in a sport or the arts, then tell your teenager to find a club to join.

Your teen can be the one to pick some out, but you can also suggest one or two.   There’s no harm in checking out a bunch of different clubs. If it’s the start of the year, give it some time.  Some of these clubs don’t really get going until a few weeks into the year.

Remember, teachers run these clubs before or after school (either for a tiny stipend or as a volunteer).  The start of the school year is a pretty hectic time for teachers. So, go to a variety of clubs for at least the first quarter.  Then, narrow it down.

3) Encourage Them To Leave Their Comfort Zone

My wife has a friend, Lauren, who makes this a top priority.  At dinner, Lauren will say, “We are all getting out of our comfort zone tomorrow.  Got it? That’s your mission at school tomorrow…do something uncomfortable.” Then they talk about what that could be.  

The next day, Lauren even sends a text reminder during lunch, “Remember…get out of your comfort zone.”  At night, everyone shares their success stories. Even the embarrassing ones are success stories. The only failure here is failing to get out of your comfort zone.  

In that case, try again tomorrow.  Some teenagers resign themselves to the fact that they have no friends.  You need to jolt them out of that. Do not talk to your teen about having no friends.  Instead, make this about taking a risk, participating in high school life or getting a little uncomfortable.  The friends will come naturally.

4) You Cannot Control Others

This a great time to remind them of a powerful Truth about life.  It is not up to your teen to make other people like them.  And, it’s not up to other people to make your teen feel accepted.  Your teenager should seek out a place that naturally fosters a sense of belonging.  If a kid tries to force this to happen, they are put-down and called a try-hard.  

The worst part is that they have tried so hard that they have become someone they’re not. This completely backfires, and they end up getting ridiculed by the people they want to impress. Encourage your teen to be kind and voice their opinion.  Also, encourage them to stay light hearted and not take themselves too seriously. But, remind them that they cannot control others nor should they try.

5) Establish and Enforce Boundaries

As parents, we want our kids to be happy, and we recognize that every kid is different.  If your kid can honestly balance school, extracurriculars, social life, and gaming, then there’s no need to set healthy boundaries in these areas.  If the gaming consumes a ridiculous amount of time at the expense of the other things I mentioned, then set boundaries immediately.

For example…

•  No gaming until daily homework and chores are finished. 

• You must have activities outside the classroom (examples include: sports, clubs, performance, faith group, work, volunteer service).

• Daily time limit on the gaming (30mins, 60mins, 90mins).  Figure out what works best for your family.

The point here is that you need to help your teenager take action. Having no friends can take a toll on the psyche. You need to step in.  

Things won’t just, “work themselves out,” unless your teen puts the work into making something out of it.  So, if your teenager needs some healthy boundaries, then put them in place. 

If you suspect that your teen, like many others, has developed an unhealthy obsession for video games, then I recommend reading this excellent article by Amy Carney.  

6) Combat Toxic Internalizing

About a decade ago, I received an end of year reflection that still saddens me. The boy recalled a class discussion from first quarter.  He recalled raising his hand for what seemed like the entire class. He said that I never called on him, but I called on everyone else except him.  He was clearly hurt by this.

I’m not sure what happened that day, but I can assure you that this was not intentional at all.  You’re not the one who needs reassuring, though. He needed it, and I failed to give it to him.

As I thought about the year, I remember him actively participating in the class. I was honestly shocked that he had been carrying this insult with him for the entire school year. What saddens me the most is the toxic internalizing.

He took the situation that day so personally.  In his mind, I am the one who did this to him.  The reality is that his teacher (me) had absolutely nothing against this boy and couldn’t even recall the incident.  Yet, he give this incident a new toxic meaning.

Undoubtedly, a teen with no friends will internalize their situation.  They will make this very personal and believe that someone or some higher power is doing this to them.  They will develop a victim mentality and start to wonder if they are flawed and unloveable.

You need to do your best to frame the situation as an external one.  This is more about the other kids. They are the ones missing out on an opportunity to meet a wonderful person. Or, this is a sign to stay away from certain kids. However you frame it, help your teen resist the temptation to internalize the situation because that will only cause more damage.

7) Listen and Love Them 

We must remember that we cannot control other kids or our own kids for that matter.  We can, however, listen to our kids and love them with all our heart. Love them enough to notice, love them enough to ask, love them enough to set boundaries, love them enough to show them and tell them how much we love them.  Loving them won’t make them instantly popular or cause them to get invited to hangout somewhere. But, it will help them get through this difficult time.

Finally, as a last resort…step in. Trust your instincts on this one.  It’s normal for teenagers to struggle as they navigate the rough waters of adolescence. Let them struggle. If, however, they are capsized and in a tsunami of despair, then you need to be their life preserver.  

That means calling the school and talking to teachers, counselors, and the principal if needed.  Get as much information as you can. Find out if something serious is going on.  If professional counseling is in order, make that phone call.  Nobody knows your teen as well as you do!