When I reminded our freshman son that his grandparents were taking him to downtown Chicago over the  weekend, he said, “No way, I can’t go.” “Why not?” I asked. “Finals week is coming up. I need to study or I will fail.”

Finals week, I thought, that’s right. I completely forgot. You see, the high school I teach at has finals week after winter break. The high school my son goes to has finals week before break. As soon as he said, “I need to study or I will fail” the intense drama of finals week flooded my memory.

Our teenage son doesn’t talk out his frustrations or share his concerns with us the way we’d like him to. He usually buries those feelings until he just can’t keep them down anymore. Then, like a volcano, he erupts and out comes what I like to call “doom lava.” Doom lava sounds like this…

• I am going to fail. 
• I’ll die if I have to do that or say that.
• No way, I can’t be the only one who ________.
• If I do that, I’ll let the whole team down.  
• Forget it, then I just won’t go to school today.

No matter what high school you go to, there’s a whole lot of “doom lava” flowing during finals week. The stress and anxiety ratchet up. Even the emotionally mature kids get caught up in the apocalyptic drama frenzy of finals week.

I’ve seen it for twenty years now. It’s the same teenage craziness every single time. And now, I’m about to witness what it’s like at home.

That’s why I’m writing this post. I want this week to go as smoothly as possible for the both of us, so I drew up this 7 Step Blueprint. These are specific things to say and do (as well as not to say and do) to help guide teens before and during finals week.

Step 1: Tell them what to expect

Kids around them will be “freaking out” and even the ones who are not are going to get caught up in the hype. This is the epitome of high school DRAMA. Say something like this…

You may find yourself getting caught up in the Finals Week frenzy. It’s easy to do. Try to remember that this is all just temporary and will completely die down in a week. Kids around you will be obsessing about grades and will be amped up about their workload. Don’t let the crowd noise distract you from your routine and schedule. Yes, this is a stressful time, and you can handle it.

The last part is important.  “You can handle it” is much different than “it’ll be fine” or “don’t worry about it.”  Who knows, maybe it won’t be fine. Maybe they’ll freeze up and bomb the final.

The important thing is to let them know that they can handle any situation and any stress that comes their way. That’s a life lesson that will payoff much more than any A+ ever can.  

As for “don’t worry about it,” that’s the last thing a teenager wants to hear. First, it sounds like we don’t understand the magnitude of this 9th grade life-or-death math exam they’re about to take. Second, those words always have the opposite effect and cause teens to completely “worry about it.”

Step 2:  Talk about coping skills

It’s important that they have some strategies in place for dealing with the stress that’s on its way.

• For immediate coping, nothing beats a cleansing deep breath (or two or three).
• For long-term coping, start by sticking to the usual routine.  This is not the time to radically change things up.
• Hopefully, the routine includes some exercise. If not, then implement long walks as a coping skill.  Because they’re teenagers, they already have an excess amount of cortisol, which is the hormone released when we’re stressed.

The purpose of cortisol is to give you a short-term energy and focus boot when presented with danger. It’s the fight or flight hormone that allows humans to do remarkable things in crisis situations.

The problem is that teens see Final Exams as a crisis and start getting large amounts of this short-term hormone building up in their system.  

Excess cortisol is linked to weight gain, high blood pressure, skin changes, muscle weakness, anxiety, depression, etc. Exercise is a great way of getting the excess out of their system.

Finals week is not the time to cut back on exercise. If anything, your teen might want to increase the amount of exercise during this stressful time.

Study breaks are also an important coping strategy.

• Social Media breaks
• Laughter (share funny stories or watch YouTube fails)
• Spacing out is perfectly fine (light this Meyer’s Lavender candle and stare at this Jellyfish Lamp or listen to music)
• Guided meditation. I’m a fan of The Honest Guys on YouTube. (5mins or 12mins)

Step 3: Time-management

• Create a study calendar and build in breaks. Put specific measurable goals on the calendar.   
• For example, instead of “go over social studies” write, “create 50 flashcards.”  
• Sleep management. Teens need about 9½ hours of sleep. Most teens get 7 or less. It’s unlikely that you’re going to get your teen to increase their hours of sleep during finals week. The aim here is to avoid decreasing the amount. A sleep deprived teen will not do well on their final exams.  
• One suggestion is to turn off the screens. That means no TV, tablet, or cell at least a  ½ hour before bed. You might need to enforce a “no cell in the bedroom” rule for this week. Screens emit blue light. Blue light delays the release of melatonin, which is the natural “sleepy hormone.”
• Also, give them a break on the chores and extra work around the house. They can clean their bedroom up after finals week. Unless, of course, you have a teen who enjoys cleaning or picking up. They might feel less stressed if their bedroom is clutter free.

Step 4: What to talk about (and not to talk about)

• Talk about the material they’re learning. Ask them to teach it to you because that is the best way to learn something. If you know they’re wrong, try to ask a clarifying question instead of criticizing. If you correct them, there’s a good chance they’ll forget it. If you get them to correct themself, it has a much better chance of sticking with them.
• Talk about life after exams to help them see beyond this week.
• Share your own finals week memories (the cheater who threw away his whole semester, stupid college all-nighters, the freedom of winter break)
• Don’t talk about your expectations. They already know exactly what they are.
• Do not feed the myth that their entire future will be determined by their grades. It’s just not true.

Step 5: What to listen to (and not listen to)

• Let them verbally release their frustration and worry. Be thankful if they feel they can do that with you. They trust you!
• Do not discard or minimize their emotion. To them, finals week feels like a huge job interview or evaluation from their boss.
• Listen and empathise. “That sounds frustrating. I bet that’s stressful. The one thing I know is that you can handle it.”
• Re-frame negative self-talk as something separate from themselves. “That’s just the brain freaking out. It’s totally normal for brains to do this. Human brains are wired to look for danger and problems. Just remember that, ok?”  
• “That sounds like anxiety talking. You know, you don’t have to agree with it, right? You’re allowed to tell anxiety the real truth, which is that no matter what happens this week you can still live a happy and successful life.”

Step 6: Be extra loving this week

• Calm responses to their irritability.
• More helpful with laundry, lunches, etc.
• Make their favorite meal for dinner.
• Quiz them if they want you to.
• Also, be extra loving to yourself (good week for a massage, mani-pedi or whatever you relaxes you). If you are stressed out, it will spill over. So, take care of yourself!

Step 7: Day of finals

• Makes sure they get up early enough and have a healthy breakfast.
• They need to stay hydrated and have healthy snacks, like RX Bars.
• Finally, remind them that you love and believe in them. Regardless of the outcome, you’ve seen the hard work and are extremely proud of that.  
• When they get home, don’t grill them. In fact, don’t be surprised if they don’t want to talk at all. They have decision fatigue and need time to recoup before they start studying for the next one.

5 Ways To Reduce Stress: A Chart Specifically For Teens

 

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