Parents of teenagers often exclaim, “My teenager won’t talk to me!” Here are five reasons why your teenager won’t talk to you with tips to help restore communication.

Remember when you and your child could walk into the grocery store and have a conversation as you strolled up and down the aisles?  Remember when the two of you could discuss anything and everything on the car ride home. Now, when you ask “How was school?” all you get is a mumble that sounds like the word “fine.”  Or worse, you get “school sucks” and when you ask “why?” you’re told “because…it’s school.” 

My Teenager Won’t Talk To Me Because…They Feel Attacked

If your boss pointed out something wrong with your performance (or worse…with you) every time the two of you ran into each other, how often would you want to talk to them?  Well, that’s how your teenager feels. So, they just stop talking because it’s safer that way!

If you want your teen to talk more, then start by backing off a bit.  Ask them to do something once or twice, then issue the consequence if they still don’t do it.  There’s no need to ask 10-12 times. Think about it. If they know that they can do what you ask on the first time or the twelth time without it affecting them, then they won’t be in any rush to do it the first time.   

Let them have their own opinions and make some of their own choices.  Lay off of “you should do this” or “you shouldn’t do that.” Find ways to give advice without nagging or belittling.  Then they will stop feeling attacked and might start to open up.

My Teenager Won’t Talk To Me Because…Pushing My Buttons Makes Them Feel Powerful

How much power does a teen really have?  Parents, teachers, coaches, employers…most of the people they come in contact with have more authority than they do.  And, if your teen is not the leader in their friend group, then they hardly ever feel powerful.

I’m not saying it’s right.  I’m saying it could explain their behavior.  If they know that not talking to you bothers you or causes a reaction, then they have found a way to feel powerful.  Yes, it’s a destructive way. However, your teen will take destructive over powerless any day of the week. Think about it.  A teenager would rather be noticed than lonely and unnoticed.

First, know your triggers and try not to explode when they push those buttons.  They are teenagers. They will try. It’s not the end of the world if they set you off, but it does not improve your relationship or make your teen feel comfortable talking to you.  Nothing good comes from your emotional explosion. Just keep that in mind.

Second, give them legitimate responsibilities. Let them co-plan with you the next family vacation.  Tell them that they are in charge of dinner and ask what groceries you should buy. When you give them responsibility, you let them feel powerful in a constructive way.

My Teenager Won’t Talk To Me Because…I Am Mistaking Silence for Disrespect

There’s a strong possibility that your teenager just isn’t very articulate, yet.  If their reading and writing skills are weak, then don’t expect them to effortlessly discuss anything at all.  Even if their skills are strong, teenagers can have a tough time communicating.

They have a tendency to get tongue tied or just lack the vocabulary to express themselves the way they want to.  Try to recall the toddler years. Do you remember the cause of all those tantrums–they couldn’t properly express themselves.  Guess what? It’s happening again!

All these thoughts, feelings and hormones are colliding and make it difficult to say anything coherent. Sounds pretty frustrating, right?  Well, it certainly is. One way to deal with this frustration, is to just keep quiet and let them struggle.

Please, don’t automatically assume that their silence is a form of disrespect.  They might just need a little space while they untangle their jumbled thoughts and feelings.    

My Teenager Won’t Talk To Me Because…I Betrayed Them and Didn’t Realize It

We constantly tell our kids, don’t hit send unless you’re okay with the whole world knowing.  When you share something private, you have just hit the send button for them. If your teen mentions that Mary is really stuck-up or Coach Smith plays favorites or Johnny is starting to act different, this is not your info to share.  

You might casually mention it to another parent and not even realize what you’ve done.  If your teen overhears this or finds out, they will definitely feel betrayed. I know, I know it’s not a big deal to you.  But, it’s a HUGE deal to them. If you’re fortunate enough to have a teenager who confides in you about a friend or coach, treasure that and don’t hit send!  

My Teenager Won’t Talk To Me Because…Something Out Of Their Control Is Really Bothering Them

• • Illness or loss

• Issues with friends (exclusion or poor choices)

• Issue with their sweetheart (cheating or lack of attention)

• Financial instability at home

• Friend or family member struggling with addiction

• Parents fight or argue too much

Again, they are feeling powerless because of outside circumstances.  This feeling will cause teens to shut down and withdraw. But, don’t fret..there is hope!

One of the most powerful lessons to teach our teens is that we cannot control how others think, feel, and act.  Simply becoming fully aware of this truth can reduce a great deal of stress and anxiety. To help convey this lesson, try asking them a series of questions.

• • “Do you think that you can control my actions?”  Can you make me do something?

• “Do you think that you can control my thoughts?”  Can you make me think a certain way?

• “What about feelings, can you control my feelings?”  Can you make me feel happy or sad?

The answer should be “no” to all of them.  The last one, however, will probably cause the most discussion.  Eventually though, they will realize that they cannot control your thoughts, feelings or actions.  At the end of the day, we all get to decide how we will act or react. We all get to decide what to think. Those thoughts of ours will ultimately determine our feelings.  Let me give you an example.

If my teenage son yells, “I hate you!”  I can think that I have completely failed as a parent (this thought will naturally make me feel sad or unloved).  Or, I can think that my son is a hormonal ball of frustration and doesn’t have the words to express himself (this thought will make me feel empathy and a desire to help). Two completely different emotional reactions.

THE CHOICE IS MINE.

I am the one who gets to decide how I want to think about my teenager yelling, “I hate you!”  The situation, like all situations, is completely neutral. “I hate you!” doesn’t mean anything until I give it meaning.  I am the one who gives it meaning by deciding how to think about it–failed parenting or frustrated teen. This interpretation of the situation is a single sentence in my head and will determine if I feel sad and unloved or feel empathy and a desire to help.  In other words, my thoughts determine my feelings and my mood.

Because I can control how I think about this situation, I can essentially control my emotional reaction to this situation.  It’s important to realize that I am not suppressing negative feelings here. I am not ignoring the reaction or making up a cockamamie reason for it.  I am not replacing my “true feelings” with manufactured ones. What I am doing is looking at my son’s outburst as frustration and a desire to be understood and allowing myself to have a genuinely loving response.  There is nothing inauthentic about these thoughts or feelings.

All teens must be told this critical life lesson over and over and over again.

• • They have no control over the thoughts, feelings and actions of others.  

• • At the same time, they have complete control over their own thoughts, feelings and actions.

This truth applies to all situations.  Take something as extreme as the death of a loved one.  It’s okay to grieve and feel sad about the loss of a loved one, but it’s not okay to make it mean “I cannot enjoy my life now. I am completely lost in this world.”  Yet, many people will send themselves into a depression over the loss of a loved one. Many teens will do the same thing to themselves over far less extreme situations.  If we teach them how much emotional control they actually have, then they will be equipped to handle all that comes their way.

Knowing the truth about deciding our own thoughts and managing our own emotions is essential to living healthy. Knowing this truth will empower teenagers for the rest of their lives.  Best of all, having this discussion will break the communication barrier so that you no longer have to say, “My Teenager Won’t Talk To Me.”