What’s going on…First, let’s take a look at two different schools of thought.

Experts in culture will point out that America is a very individualistic country and admires this kind of self-sufficiency.  Being self-made is the American Dream and figuring out “your own way” is part of being an American teen. TV shows, movies, and family conversations suggest that this is how teenagers are expected to act.

Yet, these same experts will point out that the self-centered (or even rebellious) teens are just not as common in some other countries.

In India, for example, the expectation is “family first.”  In general, teenagers in India are more respectful, more obedient, and less independent.  You can argue about which one is better. I can see advantages and disadvantages to both cultures.

But, my point is that like it or not, the culture you live in will greatly influence your teen’s behavior.  Does that mean that there are no rude teenagers in India? Of course not. It’s just a friendly reminder that culture has a lot to say about how teens should behave, and as a parent, your message might not line up with what your culture is saying.

Another school of thought is that hormones and brain development cause teenagers to be rude. Adolescent psychologists will talk about the underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain responsible for decision making.  The thought here is that the prefrontal cortex, like your child, is still not mature.

Is that why our kids act this way?There’s no question that a teenager goes through all sorts of hormonal changes and brain development stages.  You do, however, have to be careful about saying that these changes and stages cause teens to to be rude.

The reality is, all teens go through these changes and stages, but not all teens behave the exact same way.  I know that there are plenty of well-mannered teens at my high school. Plus, how many middle aged adults, with fully developed prefrontal cortexes act just as rude as some teenagers? Bottom line, an undeveloped prefrontal cortex is not an excuse to be rude.In the end, I really don’t need to know why our son just got up from the table and walked away.  

Our culture might have subconsciously taught him that he’s allowed to do this now that he’s a teenager.  Or, he might have some wacky hormones that are making him forgetful. Who knows…maybe it’s both…or maybe it’s something else entirely. Honestly, that’s not as important as figuring out a way to deal with the rude behavior.

What to do…There are two things to do when you encounter rude behavior like this. Remember and redirect. First, it’s important to remember that your teenager’s self-centered behavior is pretty common and probably not an intentional assault on you. Kids who are rude at home can still be good kids (I promise!).

And, you are not a bad parent because your teen is rude.  In fact, this is the perfect opportunity to do some good parenting.  Rude behavior still needs to be held accountable. The key is to redirect the behavior from inappropriate to appropriate.

Redirecting is a common tool in classrooms.  As a high school teacher, I am constantly redirecting students who are chit-chatting, looking at their phones, or just spacing out.  Again, this is all typical teenage behavior. So, it makes sense to redirect from a place of care and understanding, not anger and frustration…easier said than done, I know.

But, what’s the point of getting angry and frustrated at typical behavior?  Did you get angry at your newborn for crying? Did you get angry at your toddler for wandering off?  Will you get angry at your twenty-something for forgetting to pay a bill? It’s all typical behavior.

In my experience, students aren’t trying to be disrespectful or rude.  They’re just more focused on themselves than whatever the class is doing at the time.

Tone is extremely important in this situation.  Whatever you say, be direct and matter of fact.  Use a trigger phrase like “uh-oh” or “hold on” or “wait a minute” and simply point to the dishes left on the table.

Fight the temptation to say anything else…just point at the dishes, not your teen. Let your teenager figure out what to do next.  I promise, this is much better than saying something like, “I can’t believe you!  After everything we do, you just get up and walk away. Don’t you have any manners?  Why do you think that’s okay? I am so disappointed. Go to your room.”

In our case, our son already left the room, so his mother, Danielle, called him back.  The key here is to get eye-contact. Simply say, “Come here, please.” I’ve never had success redirecting a student who is in the hallway at school, and I don’t have success redirecting my children from other rooms in the house.  Use eye-contact…it’s very powerful.

Once he returned, my wife said, “You forgot some things.”  Again, she said it very matter-of-factly. And, she didn’t get sidetracked by the teenage over-reaction.  WHAT MOM? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS ON MY BACK? THIS IS NOT A BIG DEAL. YOU MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT EVERYTHING! OH MY GOSH!

When this happens, Danielle will ignore the outburst.  Or she might use a phrase made famous by Love and Logic co-founder Jim Fay, “Love you too much to argue.”  That really is a great thing to say to an over emotional teenager.  The main thing is, she doesn’t get manipulated or sucked into yelling by his teenage response.  She’s completely focused on holding our son accountable for his rude actions.

There’s no need for anger.  There’s no need for guilt. There’s no need for a lecture.  In fact, this comes from a place of love.  They might not see it that way!  But, we know it’s true.

Let’s hear about your rude-teen-moment.  How did you cope?