1. They Never Win With You

When they ask for something, let them win sometimes. Let them buy the candy bar or order dessert. Let them get extra screen time, stay out later or sleepover. Let them drive outside the neighborhood. I’m not saying give them whatever they want. I am saying let them win sometimes. It’s easy to hate someone that always wins. It’s hard to hate someone that shows flexibility.

A few weeks ago, we wanted our son home at 10:30 but hadn’t told him yet. When he texted, “Can I stay out til 11?” My wife responded, “Be home by 10.” Then he said, “What about 10:30?”

Pretty clever! She got what she wanted and let him feel like he won. This, by the way, also explains why he didn’t text me in the first place!

2. You Talk Too Much

Before getting married, my grandfather said, “Remember, you have two of these (pointing to his ears) and one of these (pointing to his mouth).” His wisdom of listening twice as much as talking has come in handy many times in my life. This is also great advice for your relationship with your teen. If they start out talking and then get real quiet, it’s probably because you’ve hijacked the conversation. Teens hate this. If you listen more, they will talk more.

3. You Criticize Twice As Much As You Compliment

Teachers are trained to give a compliment sandwich when providing feedback. When commenting on essays, I point out a strength, point out a weakness, then point out a strength. Sometimes I give an open face sandwich, and sometimes I give a triple decker. The point is to find a way to compliment more than you criticize. Of course, teens who only get compliments are spoiled and think that they don’t have to follow any rules. Teens who only get criticized, however, wind up insecure, angry, and hateful. Find a balance, and your teen will soften up.

4. Your Expectations Are Unrealistic

I had a senior this past year who barely passed English class. I thought he was lazy because he did not keep up with the assigned reading. He often looked half awake, and he never made it to school for five consecutive days. Turns out, he was pursuing his passion of becoming a professional violinist and was flying to different parts of the country every month. He was spending countless hours a day practicing violin. As a result, his grades suffered tremendously. In this case, the teen and his parents had decided to let the expectation of professional musician replace the expectation of getting good grades. I know this seems like an extreme case but bear with me.

Ask yourself, what is my teen allowed to be average (or below average) at? Do you expect straight A’s? Do you expect elite performance in everything they do? If they truly love painting, do you let them pursue this passion even if it means getting a B or C in another class? The teen years are a time when mediocrity in some areas should be allowed.

That’s right…being middle-of-the-road should be expected. Why? Because they need to experiment with lots of different areas. This is how they get out of their comfort zone. This is how they create a passion. You get great at something by putting in countless hours. Nobody starts out great. Let your teenager be average in some areas of their life.

5. They Feel Unimportant

As a kid trying to get my mom’s attention, I can remember being told, “Wait, I’m on the phone.” Or, “Not now, I’m talking to your father.” So, I’d try not to be a rude teenager, and I’d wait until it was my turn…no big deal. Kids have to learn that their own needs do not always require immediate attention.

The question is: Does your teenager get enough of the right attention…from you? Do they think that you’re on your cell phone or computer too often? Try asking them. Put down the device, turn off the TV, or turn down the car radio. Look your teenager in the eye and say, “Okay, now I can give you my full attention. What’s going on?” That’s how you make your teen feel important.

6. They Feel Your Disapproval

Maybe you don’t like your teenager’s clothing style or their haircut. Maybe you don’t like the food choices or free time choices. Maybe you don’t like the boyfriend or girlfriend. You don’t have to say anything, but your teenager can feel it. Your body language speaks volumes. What does that feeling sound like to them: I am not good enough for my parents. If that’s the recording playing in your head all day, you might become filled with hatred too.

Growing up, I would tell my boys that there wasn’t a single thing that they could do that would make me stop loving them. They would come up with some pretty crazy what-if scenarios. But, my answer was the same. “No matter what you do, I will love you anyway and always,” which is a quote I took from one of their favorite children’s books. I’ll admit, I don’t say this nearly as often as I used to, but I’m pretty sure it’s something they still need to hear. Guess I know what I need to work on.

7. They Never Hear You Say, “I’m Sorry”

Okay, looks like I have more than one thing to work on. I can’t recall my father saying, “I’m sorry.” And, I’ve followed in his footsteps because I know I don’t say it enough to my own sons. The truth is, we do not have to parent the same way that we were parented. We have a choice. We can replicate what worked and discard what didn’t. When a teen does not get a deserved apology, they get angry and bitter. We all make mistakes and an apology is the first step toward mending the relationship.

8. They Feel Restricted, Not Trusted

A wise man said, “Give your teenager responsibilities, not restrictions.” So, instead of taking away the cell phone because dirty clothes are all around the bedroom, make your teenager pick up the clothes and do their own laundry. Giving them responsibility prepares them for adulthood and shows them that you trust them enough to handle the situation. How about, “You’re in charge of dinner tonight. What groceries should I buy?” And don’t let them scam you buy saying, “Frozen pizza.”

9. You Tell Embarrassing Stories

Do you like it when your partner shares embarrassing stories or stories that put you in a negative light? Of course not…no one likes that. The tricky part is that you probably don’t realize your teen is embarrassed. You could ask them. Or, you could make sure they’re not around when you tell others how your teen tried popping a zit and made it 100 times worse. Your teenager shouldn’t hear you talking about all the crazy things they do. Better yet, let them hear you brag about them! They love hearing those stories.

10. They Don’t Love Themselves, Yet

In the end, this might not really be about us at all. I have no doubt that we’re constantly doing things that can put a strain on the relationship with our teenager. But, let’s not forget…being a teen is really difficult. And, if your child is truly filled with hate, then I believe that’s a reflection of what’s going on inside them, not outside them. Maybe they hate how they look. Maybe they hate their own social skills. Maybe they hate their own laziness or procrastination or shoddy memory or lack of organization or fatigue. It’s very likely that they don’t hate you…they just hate how they feel most of the day. There are all sorts of things that they might hate about themselves. Once you find the root cause of that, the healing can begin and the hatred will melt away. In the meantime, work on the other 9 reasons I mentioned. I know that’s what I’m going to do.