Martial arts are about striking, kicking, grappling and combat.  What does that have to do with parenting? Somedays, that feels like the exact definition of parenting, doesn’t it? But, I’m not talking about physical similarities.

Instead, I’m going to talk about the lessons learned from Jiu Jitsu.

Founded in Brazil by brothers Carlos and Helio Gracie, Jiu Jitsu takes a minimum of 10 years to achieve a black belt. After 3 years, I am now months away from my purple belt (then brown, then black).

Aside from the benefits of conditioning, I enjoy learning all the different techniques and strategies. I also love the competition. Most of all, I like feeling myself improve. 

I don’t get that feeling enough. As a high school teacher, I rarely see immediate results.  In fact, I feel much more like a gardener planting seeds that will sprout months or years later.

Each Jiu Jitsu session, on the other hand, provides immediate feedback and an opportunity to feel like I am getting better at something.  Jiu Jitsu is very challenging and also very rewarding, which is what keeps me coming back!

A side benefit has been the wonderful life lessons, especially the ones that apply to my role as a parent and teacher.  Here are five ways that jiu jitsu makes me a better parent and teacher.

1)  Patience under Pressure

The origin of jiu jitsu is in response to this question: How can a small, slower, and weaker person defeat a larger, faster and stronger person?  In addition to learning techniques that rely on leverage, you must learn patience.

Everyday there are hundreds of new white belts exerting a tremendous amount of strength and effort only to get exhausted against their opponent.  At that point, the experienced jiu jitsu player will methodically apply a choke and force the white belt to submit.

How did the 5 foot 8 and 160lbs 45 year old blue belt submit the 6 foot 2 and 220lbs 25 year old white belt?  The answer is patience. The 45 year old knew that he could not defeat the bigger and younger opponent right away.  So, he defended and frustrated the white belt until fatigue set in.

This same strategy has worked in the classroom and at home.  A stressed and hormonal teen is the equivalent or a bigger and stronger emotional opponent.  If you defend their “teenage drama” with patience, silence and sincere attentiveness, you will diffuse their frustration and their outbursts.  Even if it’s as harsh as “I hate you!” 

Essentially, they will tire themselves out.  Then, and only then, can you get your teen to submit to sitting down and talking things out.  Now, if that doesn’t work, you can always apply a choke hold…that’s a joke people!

2) More than One Right Solution

Jiu Jitsu is a lot like chess.  There are numerous moves and countermoves. There are hundreds of techniques with thousands of variations.  Plus, there are hundreds of set-ups for these techniques.  The combinations are limitless.

When you have this many options, you don’t need to force any single appraoch.   When a student comes to me with a problem, I like to turn it back on them and present options.

“Mr. Morgan, I forgot my book, what should I do?”   

“Well, what do you want to do about that?”

“I don’t know.”

“You could see if the library has it, maybe share with a friend, or look for an online version?” 

“Okay, I’ll go see if the library has a copy.”

The important thing is to keep the ultimate goal in mind: I want the student to be able to participate in class and learn what we’re learning.  So, telling him “that’s too bad for you” or “just pay attention and try to follow along” won’t really accomplish the ultimate goal.Likewise, giving them an extra copy makes it too easy and does nothing for their problem-solving skills.

When dealing with your teenager, keep in mind the ultimate goal whatever it may be–safety, work ethic, attitude, participation, etc.  Then, help your teen figure out a variety of options for achieving that goal. Do not tell them exactly what to do. Instead, brainstorm ideas with them and let them decide.

3) Water is Stronger than Rock

There’s a famous Chinese saying that goes like this:

Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.

As a Westerner, it’s difficult to hear “do not be assertive.”  This could be taken as a sign of weakness and lack of conviction. However, I don’t see it that way, especially since the greatest martial artist of all time, Bruce Lee, is the one who said this quote! So, before disagreeing, let’s make sure we understand what he meant by, “Be like water.”  

The opposite of water is rock, and teenagers are known for their rigid, rock-mentality.  Have you ever dealt with a teen who is fixated on getting permission to do something and won’t let it go? As the adult, we can recognize the fixation happening even if they cannot.

We can also recognize our own mentality, which gives us an edge in the situation.   We are able to observe ourselves in the moment and ask, “Am I similar to my rock-like teenager? Am I taking a rigid “my way or the highway” combative stance?”

If the answer is “yes,” then it’s time to adopt a water-mentality that flows and finds the path of least resistance.  Think about it: What’s the result of two rocks colliding–two heads butting each other, right? No one gets anywhere and the collision is painful for both people.

On the other hand, what’s the result of water colliding with rock–the water moves over, under, and around the rock and continues doing what it’s always done.  The collision is painless because it’s so minimal.

In a river, rocks cannot change the ultimate course of water because the river just keeps moving. Rock will never stop water from getting where it wants to go. In fact, water will erode and break down rocks overtime.

Water truly is stronger than rock!

The next time you get into an argument with your teen, be mindful of your body’s reaction, your tone of voice, and the words you use.  If you are tense, stern, and threatening, then you are clearly in rock mode and probably mirroring the teenager in front of you.

Take a deep breath, drop the shoulders, lower your voice and soften your words.  I’m not saying change your stance or your message here. I’m talking about the delivery.  

Adopt a water mentality and look for the path of least resistance to get to wherever you want to go. The rock in front of you is not in your way when you are water. “Be like water” and you will be more effective with your teen and happier with yourself for doing so!          

4) We’re in This Together

The best jiu jitsu practice is one that leaves both workout partners feeling like they improved. If I dominate my workout partner, then I really haven’t improved much.

Sure, this might inflate my ego for the day, but it’s not doing anything for the growth and development of my jiu jitsu game.  I’m not getting any better this way and neither is my partner. Plus, I probably just made another member of the Academy really frustrated. There’s no benefit in having this negative energy in the room.

When dealing with teenagers, you should always look for the best ways to achieve growth and development. You don’t want to dominate your teen and make them feel powerless because you will end up with a very frustrated teen in front of you and a very insecure adult down the road. 

On the flip side, you don’t want your teen to dominate you and stunt your own growth and development as a parent.  This leaves you stagnant and leads to a spoiled and entitled adult down the road.

We are in this world together, and we are here to love and grow and serve others.  It just so happens that we arrived a few more decades prior to our child.  If we let them, they can really teach us a great deal about ourselves.

The next time you have to resolve a problem with your teen, make it a goal to find a way to leave both of you feeling like your communication has improved.  This will satisfy the human need to feel like we’re getting better.

Unfortunately, this rarely happens in the heat of the moment…at least not in our house.  Our boys usually walk away from conflict feeling like, “I never get what I want.”

The growth and connection, however, often come later after we cool down and when we sit and talk. It’s tempting to do this less often as they get older, but I am starting to realize that sitting down and talking (hours after a conflict) is more and more important during the teenage years.  

5) Humility

Accepting, with dignity, that you are far from perfect.  We all know this on an intellectual level. Our brains have no problem admitting that we’re not perfect.

Jiu Jitsu, however, reminds me of this on a very visceral level.  When a lower ranking player catches me in a choke hold, my whole nervous system as well as my ego are instantly forced to submit.

Martin Luther King Jr. said, “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

There are days that I am humbled at the Jiu Jitsu Academy, at work, or at home.  These are wonderful days because these are days that I have the courage to accept my imperfections and embrace the opportunity for growth and improvement. These are the days that I exhibit the humility I strive for and am proud of myself for doing so.

When I lack humility after a white belt chokes me, I will say nothing, grab the white belt again, and do everything in my power to overwhelm, dominate, and impose my will on the novice.  Why? Because of my ego. Because I feel threatened by the white belt and frankly want to make myself feel better.

Although I feel superior at the moment, these are the days that I am not proud of myself at all because I am ignoring a Truth about life, which is that I am far from perfect.  Fortunately, there are always plenty of purple, brown and black belts around to remind me of this fact.

How many times have we ignored this Truth with our kids?  

We feel threatened by their reasonable requests, logical responses, or ability to point out our own hypocrisy.  So we dominate them with, “Because I said so” or “that’s enough.” These are the times I wish I had more humility.

As a reflective parent and teacher, I enjoy thinking about my own habits and practices in the classroom and at home.  Jiu Jitsu has helped me do this, but I don’t think that these lessons can only be learned from Jiu Jitsu, nor do I think these are the only lessons to be learned.

I encourage you to think of an interest or passion of your own that offers valuable parental lessons. Just the act of making these connections will strengthen your ability to be a more reflective parent. So, let’s hear it.  What’s a hobby or passion of yours and what’s a lesson that it has taught you?