“Helicopter parent” has become a catch-all label for any parent that we perceive to be over involved in their child’s life. For the past 20 years, I have taught high school English in an upper-middle class community. The term “helicopter parent” has become more and more popular over the years, and it’s never used in a positive light.

The problem with labels is that they can lead to all kinds of assumptions about an individual, which means we stop thinking in terms of case-by-case. If I had to choose between two extremes–over involved parent or uninvolved parent, I’m going to take the first one every time.

Yet, the “helicopter parent” is considered some sort of demon in the parenting and education community. Teachers want parents to be involved in their kids’ education. The real question is: what kind of involvement?

Rather than use labels, I think it’s more helpful to provide scenarios. I truly believe that there are appropriate times to push your teenager that might look like helicoptering to an outsider. There are also times to back off. Let’s take a look at both of those times.

First, here are six times that getting involved is encouraged.

Push them to think about their future.  

You should talk about their goals and aspirations, but don’t be sneaky and force your own agenda.  Ask lots of why questions to understand their thought process.  Why do you want to join the military? Why do you want to go to that college?  Why do you want to take time off after high school?

Listen for their motives.  

Is it adventure, the weather, a specific program? Are they looking for a “safe” job, a “be my own boss” job, a job that they love, or a job that will merely pay the bills?  

Don’t shy away from these important talks about their future. At the same time, use these talks to get to know your teenager better, not to direct them down a certain path.  

Most likely, their aspirations for the future will change many times. Your goal is to push them to create dreams and to plan out dreams, not stifle them.

Push them to feel uncomfortable.  

This could mean joining a club or activity that’s “not up their alley” or setting up their own meetings to talk with teachers and coaches.  Encourage them to have difficult conversations with peers and adults.  Otherwise, they will learn to “let things slide” all the time. 

For some teens, this is as simple as saying one thing aloud in each class.  Be explicit and talk about ways to get out of their comfort zone.  Then check in at dinner and ask, “What did you do to get uncomfortable today?”  Make sure you’re ready to share your own example also!

By making this a habit, teens build grit and perseverance, which are invaluable life skills. 

Push them to get sleep and get off the screens.  

These devices are proven to be addictive.  My wife and I refuse to let our 13 and 14 year old sons manage a potential addiction on their own. We do not allow our boys to sleep with cell phones in their rooms. If that’s hovering, then so be it.

Push them to think about difficult choices.

Talk about “what would you do?” scenarios…vaping, alcohol, drugs, boyfriends and girlfriends are common parts of the teenage experience.  Our teenage boys will often say outlandish things to test our reactions.

“What would you do if I vaped in your classroom, Dad?” Or, ‘when I’m 18, I’m going to move out of this house and live with my girlfriend” (nevermind the fact that he’s never had a girlfriend). 

When they do this, I think they’re actually trying to gauge our opinion on these issues.  Our teenage boys won’t just come out and say, “Do you think an unmarried couple should live together?”  But, they are curious about our opinion and will say outlandish things to try to figure out our stance.

Take those opportunities seriously because they are open windows to slide in some parental wisdom.

Push them to contribute to the household.  

Chores remind kids that they have responsibilities.  Chores help kids feel trustworthy because you are trusting them to handle the job.  Chores promote a good work ethic.

Chores should go beyond their personal space (their bedroom, their bathroom, their laundry) because it’s important to instill a family mentality. Mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, vacuuming the family room, and loading the dishwasher are all chores that go beyond personal space.

Push them to develop good time management skills.  

Taking care of homework shortly after getting home from school, using a calendar to keep track of deadlines and meetings, getting their backpack ready the night before are all good time management habits.  

Like any other habit, they require constant reinforcement. At parent night, I encourage parents to stay on top of this because it’s an essential skill in high school and beyond. Some critics might call this “helicoptering.” I call it good parenting.

I’m trying to challenge the common notion of “helicopter parent” and make a distinction between good helicoptering and bad helicoptering.

Now that we’ve seen some scenarios for pushing, here are five scenarios that fall under the bad helicoptering category and require parents to back off instead of continuing to push.

Stop making them believe that there is one formula to happiness.  

The formula goes like this: good grades, high ACT/SAT, good college, good paying job.  Sadly, many students in our community tell me that only A’s are acceptable at home.  “B means bad,” they say.

Even if a parent is not physically or verbally hovering over their child, this definition of “good” is a huge burden on high schoolers. The expectation, itself, hovers over them like a dark and heavy cloud of stress and anxiety.

Instead, talk to your teens about the millions of people who follow this formula and still feel empty inside. These adults are depressed.  There are many in the workforce who feel trapped and believe they are living a life that lacks meaning and purpose.

Have your family imagine these people (it shouldn’t be too hard) and ask your teenager how could this possibly happen and how could it be prevented?

Stop picking classes, clubs, or activities for your teen.

Talking over the registration process is encouraged, but picking their classes is not something I recommend. This is usually tied directly to the good college formula.

I sometimes wonder if parents believe that good grades, good college, and good job means good parenting.  Some communities have a way of sending that message.  They may have not thought of it that way, but they are acting out this storyline. 

Every parent needs to ask themself…how will I know I have done a good job raising our kids? When they answer that question, they will know what they need to focus on as parents.  

I truly hope it’s not grades.

Stop fighting your teens’ battles.

This should’ve stopped in middle school. Unfortunately, it continues into high school and college and sometimes even into employment (I’m not kidding).  

This is the epitome of the “bad helicopter parent.” Teens are bound to have conflicts with teachers, coaches, friends, employers, etc.

It’s okay to guide them through these conflicts. It is not okay to pick up the phone and intervene on their behalf.

Stop making their lunch, doing their laundry, or cleaning their room.  

They are in high school…stop doing this for them.  Helping out occasionally is perfectly fine. But, they should be doing this for themselves a majority of the time.  This is the type of over-involvement that leads to kids feeling helpless when they go off to college.

Stop bombarding them with questions as soon as they get home.  

The only thing my boys want to do when they get home is raid the fridge and play some video games. Can you blame them? They just spent seven hours at school.

Let your home be a place for them to unwind, not get more wound up. After a half-hour of downtime, we expect them to get started on homework. Of course, if your teen wants to talk about something that happened at school, then listen to them.  My point is that you don’t want to hover over them and shoot rapid-fire questions as soon as they enter the house.

The one thing that gets lost in all of this is the “know-your-kid” rule.  A highly motivated kid is going to need a parent to hover and swoop in when their teen is staying up past midnight to make a project “perfect.” For this kid, help them see the pros and cons of homework and the importance of balance. 

On the other hand, a kid who has missing assignments every week needs a parent to swoop in and set some boundaries and probably help with time management skills. A kid who comes straight home after school and stays inside all week and weekend, needs some pushing to get involved in the high school experience.  

The reality is, every kid (and every parent) is different.  Parenting is really complex. It’s too easy and too oversimplified to call a parent a tiger or a helicopter or a lawnmower.

Instead, let’s tone down the labels and talk about situations, motives, important life skills, and what’s in our kids (not our own) best interest. There’s no need to figure out what kind of parent you are…unless you’re trying to figure out how to be the kind that does the best job they can.

That’s really all that matters!